Once upon a time, in a land that might have existed, but probably didn't, and in a time not terribly long ago, as the stars measure time, there lived a simple innkeeper named Cyrene. She was a pious woman, sacrificing to the gods just enough to keep them mostly out of her life. She spent her days keeping the inn and caring for her two daughters.

Now, just outside the inn door grew two huge rose trees, one which bore red roses, and one that bore white roses. And, completely unconnected to the two rose bushes, the innkeeper's daughters were called Snow White and Rose Red.

Now the girls' names were not really Snow White and Rose Red, and the warlord who had given them their nicknames, now long in his grave, had been a few swords short of an armory. But somehow, they'd stuck. Rose Red, named for the way her brazen armor flashed in the rudy light of sunset, was really named Xena. And Snow White, so called for her lily-white reputation, usually went by the name Gabrielle. And Gabrielle... I mean Snow White, was adopted. But I digress.

These two children, who were really grown women with lives of their own, had been nice quiet, obedient children. They were different, however. Snow White, who was really far from quiet, was a gentle soul who could talk the hind leg off an ass. Rose Red, who was quiet in that dangerous way that told you she'd rather lop off your head than listen to you babble, was a little more...adventurous.

The two were very fond of each other, and whenever they were out wandering, they would hold hands and when Snow White, after telling Rose Red long stories, would say, "We will never leave each other," Rose Red would reply, "No, never, as long as we live."

Cyrene encouraged this, as Rose Red had finally stopped trying to conquer the countryside, and she would often tell them, "Whatever nice things are given to either of you must be shared with the other;" and the two always did so, even the eels.

Cyrene was a busy woman, what with the inn and all, and didn't keep terribly close tabs on her daughters. Snow White and Rose Red spent most of their days wandering alone through the forests looking for herbs to gather, fish to catch and evil warlords to thwart. Never a creature tried to harm them, although a number of bandits tried. So often were they away from the inn, that they often made camp in the middle of nowhere and slept until morning, unless of course, those silly bandits came back.

Snow White and Rose Red really didn't help their mother (Well, Rose Red's mother, because remember, Snow White was adopted.) with the inn, seeing as they were gone most of the time, but when they were around, they helped out. When they were home in the winters, and there weren't many customers around, Cyrene and Xena, er, Rose Red, would sit and listen to Snow White tell long tales of heroes and gods.

One evening in winter, while Rose Red and Snow White were arguing over a detail in one of Snow White's stories, a knock was heard at the inn door. Cyrene rushed to open it, wondering what sort of fool would be out in the snow. But instead of a snow-bound traveler, a huge bear shouldered its way into the inn.

Rose Red drew her sword, and Snow White whipped out her staff, and they jumped in front of Cyrene to protect her.

But the bear began to speak quietly. "Do not fear."

Rose Red only raised an eyebrow, and the bear decided not to go there.

"I only wanted to warm myself by your fire, for I am half-frozen." Rose Red lowered her eyebrow, but not her sword.

"You can sit by the fire if you want, but a room for the night is three dinars." Cyrene told him, ever practical, even when faced by large, talking bears.

The bear lumbered over to the fire and sat down, rubbing his paws together and holding them to the flame. The snow in his coat started melting and dripping all over the inn floor.

Rose Red sheathed her sword, and Snow White put away her staff, and they took a couple of towels to dry the bear off. They found out that he was very ticklish, and soon had him rolling on the floor, begging for mercy. "Leave me my life, dear...women, and don't quite kill your old sweetheart."

At which point Xena, er...Rose Red sat straight up and looked into the bear's blue eyes. She sat still for a long time, but didn't say anything.

When Snow White began to yawn to punctuate her stories, Cyrene shooed the two up to bed. She bade the bear stay by the fire for the night, because even if he didn't have a single dinar hiding in his fur, she'd not turn him out in the cold.

In the morning, when they all rose, Rose Red led him out the door, and he trotted into the snow. But as he passed the doorway, a bit of his fur caught in the latch, and Snow White thought she saw a bit of braided leather beneath the fur, but she wasn't sure, for he ran very quickly, and was soon lost into the woods.

And then Rose Red grabbed her sword, and Snow White got her staff, and they tracked the bear out into the snow.

Before they'd gotten too far, they came upon a huge fallen tree. Creeping closer, they saw a little dwarf with a withered face and a long white beard jumping up and down. His beard had caught in a cleft of the tree, and he was jumping up and down like a puppet at the end of a string, be he couldn't get free. He glared at the two women as they approached.

"Why are you standing there staring, instead of offering to assist me?"

"Poor little man," said Snow White, "how did you do this?"

"You stupid goose," he replied angrily, "I wanted to split up the tree that I might get some wood for our cooking. I drove my wedge into the tree and it seemed all right, but the horrid thing was so slippery that it sprung out again suddenly, and the tree closed so quickly that it caught my long white beard, and now it holds so fast that I cannot extricate it."

"Is your name Grumpy?" Rose Red asked.

The little man turned purple with rage. "That's the other Snow White, you idiot! Now help me out!"

Show White and Rose Red exchanged a look of long suffering, and Rose Red pulled out her chakram, and threw it at the tree. It richocheted twice, before shearing off the last bit of the dwarf's beard.

No sooner than he was free, the dwarf grabbed up a small black medallion that had been lying on the ground, and ran off, grumbling about ingrates who had ruined his good looks by hacking his beard to bits.

Rose Red and Snow White shrugged and continued tracking the bear, not noticing the peacock feather that slowly drifted to the ground behind them.

Hours later, they were getting hungry, so they stopped by the stream to fish. Before Rose Red could wade out into the water, they spotted the dwarf again, hopping up and down like a grasshopper about to jump into the water.

"What are you doing?" asked Snow White.

"Don't you see how this terrible fish is dragging me under?" the dwarf snapped.

The little man had been fishing, but, lacking the skills of Rose Red, had been forced to use a fishing pole. The line had gotten tangled around his beard just as a huge fish had come up and swallowed the bait. The dwarf was clinging tightly to a root on the stream's bank, but he was slipping fast. Rose Red, er...Xena...no wait that was right. Rose Red took out her chakram, and threw it at a nearby tree. It ricocheted three times before slicing through the dwarf's beard, freeing him.

The dwarf howled with rage. "Is it your custom, you wretches, to disfigure people this way? Not satisfied with cutting off the tip, you now decide to shear off the main part of my beauty?" He grabbed up a patched purple vest off the ground, and ran off into the forest, complaining loudly about brazen hussies with shaving fetishes.

Rose Red muttered. "You sure your name's not Grumpy?" but the dwarf was long gone.

Rose Red and Snow White shrugged and continued tracking the bear, not noticing the peacock feather that slowly drifted to the ground behind them.

A few hours later, they saw a large bird hovering over the forest. As they approached, they noticed the dwarf again, hiding under a tree. Just then, the bird, a large eagle, swooped down and grabbed the dwarf by his coat and the tag ends of his beard. Rose Red whipped out her chakram, and threw it, just as Snow White grabbed the dwarf and pulled. The chakram ricocheted four times, shaving the dwarf's face clean, and the dwarf's coat ripped. The eagle screamed and flew off as the dwarf tumbled to the ground. He grabbed a yellow leather vest off the ground and disappeared.

Rose Red and Snow White stood there and watched a peacock feather drift slowly to the ground. "Hera." They said in unison, and looked around for the bear tracks to follow.

But the tracks had vanished, and they headed back to the place where they'd seen the dwarf before. They passed the stream without seeing him, and the tree, but saw no sign of the dwarf. They decided to return to the inn, to see if the bear would return there.

Just as they entered the innyard, they found the dwarf there, with the medallion and the two vests.

"What are you standing there gaping at?" asked the dwarf, his twisted face fish belly white where the beard had been. Snow White and Rose Red watched in amazement as his face started turning a truly amzing color of purple. He would have said more, but just then, the bear burst out of the forest, and the eagle swooped down from the air.

The dwarf cowered in fear, and told the two animals to take the lovely, luscious women for their lunch, and leave a scrawny half grown thing like him alone. But the bear just growled, and the the eagle screamed, and Rose Red took out her chakram. The dwarf looked at her and paled, and threw the vests and medallion at Snow White.

He shouted, "No way, Hera! I'm not facing all four of them!" and stamped his foot, and the earth swallowed him up.

As soon as he had gone, the bear shook off his skin, and the eagle shed his feathers, and Hercules and Iolaus stood in their stead.

"That dwarf was one of Hera's minions." Hercules said, "He changed me into a bear, and Iolaus into an eagle. You have set us free."

Not many years after this, Snow White and Rose Red were still wandering around together, and Hercules and Iolaus had yet to settle down, either, but at least they were happy, which is more than I can say for Hera.

Oh, and the two rose trees? They got so big that travelers started getting scratched every time they went in or out of the inn, so Cyrene had them transplanted into another fairy tale.

The End.